In The Past

I miss you... There, I said it. I have a hard time admitting it, but I often reminisce about how you would make me feel. All alone in my room, my memories are all that is left. I would see you again; I think I'd even like that, but things are different now. You were all I had then. I still miss you, but we both know our relationship was destructive. I had to move on, and leave you in my past. That's not to say I'll ever be able to forget you. I'm just trying to prove I can evolve.

Spring...

Spring comes to the forest of fear. People change, without shedding a tear. I sit alone, on my branch way up high. I'm out of their reach. Even as they try to teach. I'm watching all of life's lessons fly by.

Maybe I'll come down. Feel my feet on the ground. But I don't see any good reason below. I'm still stuck in this tree. I'm afraid to be me. I'm just waiting for the winds of change to blow.

Random Update

Spring, already! Arrgh... I just realized my last post was in December. I'm doing all right, I guess. Still here, that's all that matters. I've been having rather vivid dreams, lately. Sometimes I wake up and try to write them down, but always seem to forget the main points, so I give up.
I've been trying to write more. I may even get back into painting. Or, at least some sketching. I miss being creative. Even though I don't have the patience to be that good at it. It's still a great outlet.
Another B'day went by, in January. It usually affects me, but for some reason, not this year. Yep, I need to get back into my writing. New stuff coming soon.

Stage Four

You put up a courageous battle, but it was against a stronger foe.
Although we never talked as much as we should have, a better sister-in-law, I may never know.
RIP Sandra Boyer-Sharpe.

Nice Day

I've been feeling pretty good, lately. Not sure why, but I'll take it. I've been better at staying in the moment, which helps. No worrying about the future, no living in the past. Just experience each day, and wait for the next. It may sound naive, but I'm a pretty naive individual. The only thing I've noticed lately, is a slight lack of focus. I get distracted easier than I used to. But, all in all, I feel better than I felt last winter. Which is all the matters.

The Ride

We may be in the same car, but I'm traveling my own road.
We speak the same language, but to me it sounds like code.
We all end up in the same place, no matter how fast we drive.
We know what it is to exist, but I don't know how to feel alive.
I can only keep on riding, staring out at each passing night.
Once we have come to a stop, my days will have lost all of their light.

Boo!

I think I'll take Halloween off, this year. I have no real desire, at this time, to engage in the usual festivies. I've certainly had my share of parties, over the years. I still remember the excitement Oct. 31 used to bring me. I probably threw, arguably, the greatest decorated rave cave parties, back in my heyday. I sometimes wish those times were still around. But, I guess I'm better off that they are in the past. The year 2000, when I covered the entire apartment in black trash bags, glow paint and blacklights. That was awesome. With the electric, severed hand and fake blood, all over the bathroom and tub. You know it's a great time, when people you don't know tell you, months later, how much they enjoyed it. But, time keeps slipping, and energy levels keep draining. I need to buy my own property, soon, so I can have huge parties again. Not this year, however. I need to rest up...

Stormy Day

I wonder if a raindrop can comprehend that it's life is near completion right before it crashes into the pavement. Sometimes, I feel like that raindrop. Not knowing, at first, where it came from. Then gradually, with help from gravity, or time, it formulates a personality. A raindrop that won't stand alone, is just a puddle. Imagine free falling from a cloud, just taking in all the atmosphere, all the while hurtling towards the inevitable. The drops that aren't strong enough, soon evaporate into infinity. The strong ones know that they must see things through to the end, no matter what. I mean, they must realize the futility of their situation. But, I guess maybe they just take comfort in the fact that, at least for that one stormy day, they exsisted.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

The thoughts don't come as often, but they still happen. The measures I started seem to be working, at least partially. It's strange, how one day, you just wake up and decide it's time to change the way you think. Things that you never thought you would change, just seem more attainable. It's surprising how much your spirit will give in, when you want it to. Things I told myself, from a young age, wouldn't be important, are suddenly vital. I catch myself worrying about things that I never used to even notice before. I hate feeling like I'm selling out my soul, but I guess everyone goes through this. And, is it still selling out, if it's actually better for you? Is it an early mid-life crisis? If some of my thoughts are to be believed, it's more like an end of life crisis.

Not interested

As most of my friends are aware, I am single. Not single, as in "desperate". Or single, as in "needs to be with someone to feel complete". Single, as in "I'm not concerned with having to find someone to be happy". It's just how it's always been, and how I feel it'll always be. I've never understood people's obsession with needing someone. If you have great friends, isn't that enough? I'm not one for physical attention, for many reasons. That's not to say I don't have the same basic instincts as everyone else, I just don't feel the need to listen to them. Am I less of a person, for not "wanting" someone to share my every day life with? I've grown up, basically alone. It's the only life I know.

"But, don't you want to be with someone?", or "how can you enjoy being alone, that's not normal." These are the most common questions people ask me. I'll never deny that there are times when I feel excrutiatingly alone, but I'm more inclined to just let life happen. If someone comes along that actually became interested in me, sure I'd like that. But, my point is, I've never felt the urgency or desire to actively seek someone out. Am I different? Aren't we all? Am I abnormal? Yes, and rather proud of it. Everybody has something about them that others find strange.

I've always felt somewhat disconnected with the rest of society. Maybe I'm just a coward, afraid to have fun and actually live. But, then again, I know many people with partners and children, that don't seem like they're enjoying their lives, any more than I am. Maybe I'm denying myself a great future, but we all have our own paths to walk. Mine just seems to be single-file.

New beginnings are fun

A new blog... what to expect? If you're reading this, you may think you already know me, or understand me. However, it is my intention to use this blog for writing things I wouldn't normally share with anyone. Poetry, random thoughts, biased opinions, etc. It is not my intention to offend anyone, as that isn't really my nature, but this is more for me, than anyone else, so such objectives may not always be achieved. Anyways, here we go...